St. Simons Wedding Planner :: Island Destination Weddings | new rules
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New Rules

I can’t hold it anymore…. I saw something absolutely tragic and it spawned new rules…

New Rule: Throwing up gang signs, getting posed in “homeboy” like positions and flashing your bling and pimp cups isn’t photojournalism. It’s a hot ghetto mess.

New Rule: If the photographer gets pictures of the groom licking his fingers and smoothing out his eyebrows, shoot the photographer and kill the groom.

New Rule: STOP, STOP, STOP Letting your non-pro friends and family cater your wedding. If the food looks like something that should be in a trough or that the roasted pig should be eating at the buffet instead of on it, you’ve made a mistake somewhere along the way. All the silver service in the world ain’t gonna help that mess, honey.

Now returning back to our regularly scheduled programming…

New Rule Friday

rules.jpgHello Luxelings,

This will be my final New Rule Friday for a while (please, no rioting in the streets). I am exploring some other series that will on the Fabuluxe blog, but you can be sure some New Rule-isms will make their way into them.

But, cue the processional music and the new rules begin!

New Rule: Delegating only works when you have intelligent people helping you. Having your illiterate cousin help you pick the wording for your invitations is the equivalent of having Pamela Anderson as your marriage counselor. Somehow, I don’t really think that “We want y’all there when Jane finally murries her baby daddy” is proper etiquette. It looks like one of the LOL Cats wrote your invites.

New Rule: I get that Aunt Mamie’s food is good at Thanksgiving and Christmas. How the woman manages to serve trough upon trough of food is beyond me. However, when her food has to be served with Lipitor dinner mints, it may not be the route to go for your reception. Her arteries look like New York traffic at rush hour, but for whatever reason, you want her to cater your wedding. You know the old saying…”she put her foot in it”? Yeah, well I wouldn’t put it past her.

New Rule: Invest in GOOD makeup for your wedding day. Has anyone ever told you that you’ll only get to do this day once? That being said, let’s ditch the Wet n Wild eyeliner and lipstick! Don’t give me the excuse that you don’t really wear makeup so it doesn’t matter. YES, it does! Stop using the cheap stuff– otherwise, your children will look at your wedding pictures and wonder who walked on your face with cleats.

New Rule: “Do not try this at home” will be a disclaimer on every high end wedding program. Your vendors are looking at you like you smoke crack because you want us to fit this 3.5 million dollar wedding you saw on TV into your itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini budget. DIY is a blessing and a curse. If you failed art in school, you should not be making ANYTHING for your wedding. And stop trying to get your family and friends to help you do your bouquets, make your centerpieces, linens, etc. This isn’t a wedding sweatshop. Think of it like this– what’s on TV is the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. What you came up with is a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

And for old time’s sake:

New Rule: YES, you have to pay your vendors prior to the wedding. It’s show biz, kid. You pay for a movie before you watch it, right? Before you rock hard with The Black Eyed Peas or Nickelback, you pay, right? Same thing with your caterer, photographer, florist, and even the wedding planner. Nope, you can’t pay at the rehearsal. No, you can’t pay the day of. Why? Because when any and everything goes wrong, who do you think will be blamed? That’s right, the wedding planner. It rained today…let’s blame the wedding planner. My make up is ugly…let’s blame the wedding planner. There is a mortgage crisis…let’s blame the wedding planner. Don’t even try to get around this one. I’m like George Bush– I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Enough said.

New Rule Friday

rules.jpgShe’s back. And by God, worse than before.

 

 

New Rule: Just a quick FYI– if at anytime during your wedding, your DJ or your photographer automagically turns into an event planner, I reserve the full right to do the “This is Sparta” kick…and probably AT your wedding. With absolutely no warning you will see me do this. I mean, really. What is SO hard about coming to a wedding and doing what you are contracted to do? You don’t see me going to McDonald’s and saying, “Yes. I’ll have a Number Four. But Oh wait. Let me be a fry cook for a minute. You see, I’ve eaten fries several times before, so I believe I’m qualified.” You don’t see me coming into the reception with my point and shoot and snapping all those “must-have” shots, or whipping out my trusty iPhone to play some tunes. Has Ray Ray had a convention in the past few weeks?! Is he still selling franchises of Ray Ray’s Chicken, Laundromats and Weddings?

New Rule: Stop telling people to send money for their meal back with their response cards. If you can’t afford your reception, you don’t charge your guests for their meal! You are just asking for the beatdown. It’s like asking for a cover charge at your wedding.

New Rule: Cease and desist with acting like you are doing vendors a favor by pitching the idea of a sponsored wedding. Your wedding is at the VFW, it’s not the Oscars. Seriously, how much exposure will your vendors get? Riiiiiiiiiggghhhhtttt– like toothless Aunt Ellie is going to hire XYZ caterer that sponsored your food. SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TEETH. You’ve got business cards on everything– your tables, your cake, your favors…it looks like Vista Print blew up. Here’s an idea– Why don’t you wear a bridal dress that looks like a NASCAR dress with all your vendors’ logos on them. You know, because you’re a diva. 🙄

New Rule: Stop hating on the women on Platinum Weddings. Why are you catching an attitude every time Platinum Weddings comes on? You have called the bride everything but a child of God and are rolling your eyes every time she says how much something costs. It’s not her fault you’re broke! Leave her alone. Maybe you can write the network and pitch the idea of a show called “Brass Weddings”?

New Rule: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop thinking everyone on my staff, in your bridal party and guest list wants your man. Trust and believe you are the ONLY person that wants him. He has a gap in his teeth so wide you can stick a stack of dimes in them, my four month old has more hair than he does (and more social skills), and he is still wearing leisure suits. Trust me, he’s all yours.

New Rule Friday

rules.jpgThese are your rules! Let’s check ’em out and see what’s bugging everyone else…

New Rule: Ok…your DJ is there to play music, this isn’t a radio show…tell him to shut up and play music!

Jennifer (Thank God for you, Jennifer!)

New Rule: Do not get wasted at your own wedding. Having your groom carry you out of the reception is just not attractive. Unless you’re going for the theme of “trashy” I suggest a little moderation. I did not get hired to babysit you (ie: hold your hair while you puke and keep you from falling into your five-tiered cake). But I WILL put it on YouTube so everyone can bask in your wedding gloriousness.

Stacey

 

New Rule: Enough with your silly paper aisle runners! For God’s Sake they just get all wrinkled gross and nasty! And why on God’s Green Earth do you want your groomsmen or ushers to mess with an extra large toilet paper role with a crappy ass double sided tape on one side for 20 minutes before you walk down the aisle! Deal with your beautiful marble floor, don’t cover it up with crap! We are not in the middle ages any more and there is no fear of getting mud on your dress!

Sugar and Spice

New Rule: Tulle will be outlawed at all venues. Anyone caught trying to bring in tulle for decorations shall be hit over the head repeatedly with the flimsy bolt of fabric until some sense is knocked in her. Tuck Fulle!

Saundra

New Rule: Just because you weigh 300 pounds and can cook does NOT mean you can cater!! Since nobody has taken you aside to tell you that dropping food off in an aluminum pan with a sterno is NOT catering, allow me… Dropping food off in an aluminum pan with sterno is NOT catering. You are merely providing the equivalent of a one cook pot luck meal. Really!! Ever heard of NACE – didn’t think so! Know about renting linens? HA! I could tell and don’t tell me the clients ain’t gotta spend that money cause you’ve got Chinet. There’s a lot more to catering than cooking and throwing it on a papered table, please get a clue!!!

Dragon Lady

 

These were great! I only do 5 rules a week, so if your rule isn’t here– stay tuned! And keep them coming! Vent about your *favorite* bride, vendor or wedding tradition and send them to terrica {at} onceuponyourwedding dot com!

New Rule Friday

Come on in! Sit down! Let’s giggle a little…

rules.jpg New Rule: If you invited the girl who goes to every wedding and catches the bouquet, let’s not risk the health of every other single wedding guest on the dance floor. She’s a professional bouquet catcher, and will use any means necessary to get the bouquet. She’s Ray Lewis’ (football player for the Baltimore Ravens) backup, for Pete’s sake! She’s every bit of 6 feet and 315 pounds. She’s put 4 bridesmaids in the hospital, broken the collarbone of a maid of honor and has 8 pending lawsuits. She starts running in place and doing jumping jacks when the DJ makes the announcement. JUST GIVE IT TO HER.

New Rule: When your church only seats 40 people TOTAL, you REALLY don’t need that super -long cathedral veil, do you? You’re at the altar, and your veil is still in the limo. Come on, now. Priorities.

New Rule: If I catch your groom in those hideous white patent leather shoes, I’m going to burn them. While they are still on his feet. Just a heads up.

New Rule: If you are going to incorporate cultural traditions in your wedding, do it with style and class. For example, make sure when you jump the broom, it’s not your mother’s broom she uses to sweep the kitchen, mmkay?

New Rule: STOP yelling at your poor kids for eating their Halloween candy! You try to say you don’t want it to ruin their teeth, but I could’ve sworn I heard you say “Y’all know I’m saving that candy for the candy bar at the wedding!” 🙄 Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

New Rule: If you use gold fish as a centerpiece, I reserve the right to have PETA picket outside of your wedding. DO NOT think you are the first bride/groom/MOB/MOG to say, “Oh! We’ll just give them away to the guests afterwards”. They barely want your stale dinner mints wrapped in tulle! Do you really want me to tell you what happens to the fish after the wedding? Let’s just say, you’ll be off of PETA’s Christmas card list, right along with Michael Vick.

New Rule Friday

You can dress her up, but you can’t take her out. Here’s why:

rules.jpgNew Rule: STOP publicly broadcasting your desperate desire to be married with these STUPID cake toppers!

Exhibit A Exhibit B Exhibit C

Never, EVER, EVER, EVER in the history of weddingdom has their been a more desperate bride than you. You put yourself on eBay AND Craigslist, you sat in divorce court proceedings to pick up on fresh kill, and I swear I saw you slipping guys pills in their drinks at the bar. So at what point do you say, “Hey, think I’ll humiliate myself some more with this ELEGANT cake topper?” And stop quoting The Color Purple after the ceremony, running through the reception hall yelling, “I’s married now!”

New Rule: I’m all for getting glamorous with extensions…but you took that thing a little too far. You had 2 inches of hair at the rehearsal. Today you are Rapunzel (It’s unbeweavable!!). Seriously, you look like you robbed every horse at the Kentucky Derby of their hair.

New Rule: If you use black eyeliner as lipliner, you are not do your own makeup for your wedding. You look like the Crayola people did it– so easy on the warpaint. Between the hair and the makeup you look like Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar”.

New Rule: If you do a money dance or pass a collection plate at the reception, don’t be surprised when one of my baby’s diapers ends up in. Happy Honeymoon!

New Rule: If this is your rehearsal, just elope. And I got $50 on the bridesmaid.

New Rule: Remember when I said certain things would get you jail time if you did them at your wedding. I would like to show you what will get you the death penalty.

The charges are as follows:

  • 2 counts of using plastic table cloths on tables
  • 1 count of neglect to use proper ceremony seating
  • 1 count of obscene and ridiculous use of tulle.
  • 2 counts of indecent exposure (where is his tie? and that is NOT a sequined halter top…)
  • 1 count of ridiculously wearing a tiara. (You’re 40. That tiara was made for a 5 year old)
  • 3 counts of neglect to pick up the trash 1 foot away from the ceremony site.
  • 3 count of neglect to frost the wedding cakes and horrible use of aluminum foil.
  • 1 capital offense of using columns (automatic death by firing squad)
  • 1 count of lewd and lascivious behavior by removing garter with teeth, while cell phone hangs out of the pocket of your shirt while wearing sunglasses and not a ray of sun is outside.
  • 1 count of not being able to let it go (It’s eight hours after the wedding and you’re still wearing the halter top and tiara but add a pair of sunglasses. No papparazzi, please.)
  • 2 counts of using margarita glasses bigger than your head.
  • 1 count of wearing a Santa Claus costume as a wedding dress. And watch, it was probably June.
  • 20 counts of using columns, stairs, AND dollar store flowers on your cake that is on top of RED PLASTIC. And THEN you have the AUDACITY to have 22 cakes on that train wreck. (We’re not even going to sentence you. We’re just going to bring the firing squad into the courtroom)

Court is adjourned!

 

New Rule Friday

rules.jpgShe’s back. And she still doesn’t know what to say out of her mouth…

New Rule: Do NOT volunteer your wannabe wedding planner maid of honor or your bridesmaid to help me. I have a staff for that. I have no desire to be asked “What do you want me to do?” every five minutes. Nor do I want to have to hurt her for undoing what I just did ten minutes ago. Likewise, I don’t want to hear about how J.Lo did it in the movies or some wedding planner did something on TV.  Tell her not to talk to the vendors, touch the centerpieces, favors or cake. Tell her to stop calling me for incessant things, like when you have a run in your stocking, you lose your contact lens or you have gas. Unless you want her tied up in with duct tape across the mouth and stashed in the back of my Yukon, tell her to get her hair and makeup done and call it a night. 🙄

New Rule: Get a real wedding website. Using your MySpace page does not count. Especially with all the glittery graphics, loud music and lewd photos of you on a stripper’s pole during Spring Break (wow, isn’t your fiance lucky?).   And stop taking RSVPs in your comments section.

New Rule: PLEASE find some one to watch your dog if you are bringing it to the wedding (and do NOT ask me). Nothing says romance like Rover cocking his leg up on the cake table or a quick squat on the dance floor. But awww, he’s so cute in his little doggy tux. 🙄 FYI, your deposit with the reception hall…yeah, that’s gone.

New Rule: Bringing half empty bottles from your house to your reception site to stock your bar isn’t exactly what they had in mind when they said you could bring your own liquor. Just thought you’d want to know.

New Rule: If you’re living in a tin can, but can some how find 20 grand to spend on a wedding, you need a wedding like you need a hole in your head.

New Rule:  You are not a relationship expert now that you are engaged.  We’re glad that you finally tricked your fiance into marrying you.  But that doesn’t now give you the right to start dishing out relationship advice like you’re Dr. Phil.  We all know what a good guy your fiance is…I mean, after all, he’s dating your Maid of Honor.

Until next week!

New Rule Friday

new rules for planning a wedding

Just when you thought it was safe…She’s back with more rules…
New Rule: Stop picking these bad kids to be in your bridal party. Exactly what color crack were you smoking when you said, “Hey, I think I’ll ask my best friend’s future serial killer 5 year old to be my ring bearer”? He may be cute, but you know sometimes, so are rabid dogs. He yells. He screams. He pushes the flower girl down. He’s GOT A PROBATION OFFICER. So at what point do you say, “Hey! Carry my rings!”? He can’t even follow simple instructions like “Walk slowly”, or “Smile” or “Shut your face or your getting handcuffed to the radiator again”. And why are you surprised when your rings don’t make it up the aisle? He probably hocked them at the pawn shop and got new rims for his Power Wheels Hummer. But hey, at least your pictures will be cute.

New Rule: Needing security when you don’t have any VIPs at your wedding is not cute. Why are you surprised when your fiance’s ex-girlfriend shows up? You sent her a hand couriered invitation! And you didn’t think she’d come alone, did you? She’s brought her crew, and now you, your mother, and the bridal party are taking off your earrings and putting on the Vaseline. Your 90 year old grandmother is in the back shadowboxing. So now, since you were so spiteful, your wedding now looks like the Michael Jackson “Beat It” video, with you and the ex dancing around in circles talking much trash. Or, it looks like this. Oodles of fun.  (Side note, did you see the girl take off her hair and beat the other girl with it? Classic.)

New Rule: You have to be walking for at least a year before you are a flower girl. Ok. I get it. Little eighteen month old Madison is cute. The only problem is that she can’t walk a straight line! She looks like Lindsay Lohan at a field sobriety test. So, for future reference, if they range in age of fetus to two years old, please reconsider.

New Rule: Don’t be surprised if you tell the wedding planner at the initial consultation that you “have no budget”, that she suddenly has “no time”. We’re not impressed by that. Even the richest people have budgets and projected goals. When you say you have no budget, what you really mean is “I have no money, I’m here for the ‘free’ ideas and am going straight to Ray Ray’s Chicken and Weddings after this so he can do my ENTIRE wedding.

New Rule: You have to stop telling people you’ve got a special choreographed dance for your First Dance. You’re doing the Cupid Shuffle and the Electric Slide, not a tango or a bachata. It’s a line dance for Pete’s sake.

New Rule: Please stop with the soft-core porn on the dance floor during the Garter Toss. I had no desire to know or see that you have a “Slippery When Wet” Yield sign on your inner thigh. Get a room!

New Rule Friday

Just what you’ve been waiting for after a hard week of wedding planning…Another set of New Rules:

rules.jpgNew Rule: Let’s cease and desist on telling people you have a designer wedding dress. You got it for $22 off of eBay. The tag even says “Oscar de la Rented“. And seriously, no one believes you anyway– you’re spending a total of 7,000 for your entire wedding with 250 guests, yet have the money for a designer gown? Ok. Sure. If you want a nice term for it, say your gown is “designer inspired”.

New Rule: No more going to bridal shows for the food and freebies when you have 95% of your wedding planned. Why are you entering to win a free 10X14 from XYZ photographer when you already have paid off the photographer for your own wedding? Oh, and FYI– eyeballing vendors’ tables while sucking the life out of a chicken bone and pawing their pictures and brochures is so uncute. Ask me how I know.

New Rule: Your wedding planner really doesn’t need you to give her a timeline. Believe it or not, she does this for a living. Giving the planner a timeline is like giving your surgeon an anatomy book. Think we’ve pretty much got it covered. Should the heavens fall and the oceans run over, thank goodness we have your timeline to fall back on.

New Rule: If you put any type of plastic on your reception tables (tablecloths, cutlery, plates, etc.), that’s an automatic 5 years in a maximum security prison. If you then say at any time, “…because I want a real classy event” while doing the above, your sentence is then changed to life with no parole.

New Rule: Stop cutting corners for your wedding! You can’t expect the very best when you get everything for your wedding at Ray Ray’s Chicken and Weddings. Anyone who claims to put “Clazz” or “Stylez” in your event is LYING TO YOU. You’ll be lucky if you don’t have the police at your wedding. The giveaway should’ve been when they showed you the birds for the dove release after the ceremony…and they were pigeons. Or maybe it should’ve been the illegal craps game going on in front of the door.  Not sure. Take your pick.  Public Service Announcement: Ray Ray cannot be your caterer, photographer and DJ too. Splurge a little. Get three SEPARATE vendors.

New Rule: She’s a four year old flower girl, not a Stepford Wife. Why is she in a huge replica of the bride’s dress? Furthermore, she only has an inch of hair– why do you have 30 rhinestone barrettes in it? She has on more make up than a burn victim and her head looks like a disco ball. If I were her mother, I’d probably fight you. No one will say “Oooh”, they’re probably saying “Eeewww”.

—————-
Now playing: Groove Theory – Tell Me (Album Version)
via FoxyTunes

New Rule Friday

It’s New Rule Friday everybody! Let’s see what’s ruining the buttercream this week…

rules.jpgNew Rule: Pick a favor someone cares about. No one really wants an itsy bitsy photo frame that doubled as a place card holder. People rarely print out their photos nowadays, let alone print a 1×3 inch photo to put in a frame you got from the dollar store.

New Rule: So not cool: picking a different meal for you and your new husband than that of your guests. Want a surefire way to start a riot? Having surf and turf for the bridal couple and chips and dip for everyone else.

New Rule: If you are going to let your uncle, aunt, or best friend’s mother’s sister’s baby’s father “gift” you with a wedding service like photography, baking the cake, etc., make sure they are a professional at what they are gifting. Having your mechanic uncle take your pictures is like having your lawn guy perform your appendectomy.

New Rule: 10+ people on each side is not a bridal party. It’s a marching band. No one truly wants to sit through a processional of 2.5 billion people before we get to the bride. Also, let’s quit with the R. Kelly “Step in the Name of Love” two-step up the aisle. Your bridal party looks like they’re doing the Cha Cha Slide to the altar. If you want to give them something special to do, let your friends and family be hostesses, ushers, readers or soloists.

New Rule: STOP ruining a good cake with columns and fountains. It’s CAKE — not an ode to ancient Roman architecture. The little Christmas light under the fountain of your cake, the stairs with the gazillion little dolls for the bridal party– what else do I need to say? 1983 called. It wants its wedding cake back. It’s dessert– not a piece of Barbie’s Dream Mansion.

New Rule: Let’s try to pick seasonal colors and flowers for your wedding theme. Lime green in December? No dice. Silver (and only silver) in June?  Blech.  Yeah, we REALLY believe you combed some Amazon forest and found a unique silver rose.  (You should see how hard I’m rolling my eyes right now)  If your flower is out of season, look for another one. Leave the “silk” flowers with the fake rain drops (read: glue drops) right there in the aisle of Dollar General where you found them. No one will ever believe they are real.