Come on in! Sit down! Let’s giggle a little…

New Rule: If you invited the girl who goes to every wedding and catches the bouquet, let’s not risk the health of every other single wedding guest on the dance floor. She’s a professional bouquet catcher, and will use any means necessary to get the bouquet. She’s Ray Lewis’ (football player for the Baltimore Ravens) backup, for Pete’s sake! She’s every bit of 6 feet and 315 pounds. She’s put 4 bridesmaids in the hospital, broken the collarbone of a maid of honor and has 8 pending lawsuits. She starts running in place and doing jumping jacks when the DJ makes the announcement. JUST GIVE IT TO HER.

New Rule: When your church only seats 40 people TOTAL, you REALLY don’t need that super -long cathedral veil, do you? You’re at the altar, and your veil is still in the limo. Come on, now. Priorities.

New Rule: If I catch your groom in those hideous white patent leather shoes, I’m going to burn them. While they are still on his feet. Just a heads up.

New Rule: If you are going to incorporate cultural traditions in your wedding, do it with style and class. For example, make sure when you jump the broom, it’s not your mother’s broom she uses to sweep the kitchen, mmkay?

New Rule: STOP yelling at your poor kids for eating their Halloween candy! You try to say you don’t want it to ruin their teeth, but I could’ve sworn I heard you say “Y’all know I’m saving that candy for the candy bar at the wedding!” 🙄 Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

New Rule: If you use gold fish as a centerpiece, I reserve the right to have PETA picket outside of your wedding. DO NOT think you are the first bride/groom/MOB/MOG to say, “Oh! We’ll just give them away to the guests afterwards”. They barely want your stale dinner mints wrapped in tulle! Do you really want me to tell you what happens to the fish after the wedding? Let’s just say, you’ll be off of PETA’s Christmas card list, right along with Michael Vick.