You can dress her up, but you can’t take her out. Here’s why:

New Rule: STOP publicly broadcasting your desperate desire to be married with these STUPID cake toppers!

Exhibit A	Exhibit B	Exhibit C

Never, EVER, EVER, EVER in the history of weddingdom has their been a more desperate bride than you. You put yourself on eBay AND Craigslist, you sat in divorce court proceedings to pick up on fresh kill, and I swear I saw you slipping guys pills in their drinks at the bar. So at what point do you say, “Hey, think I’ll humiliate myself some more with this ELEGANT cake topper?” And stop quoting The Color Purple after the ceremony, running through the reception hall yelling, “I’s married now!”

New Rule: I’m all for getting glamorous with extensions…but you took that thing a little too far. You had 2 inches of hair at the rehearsal. Today you are Rapunzel (It’s unbeweavable!!). Seriously, you look like you robbed every horse at the Kentucky Derby of their hair.

New Rule: If you use black eyeliner as lipliner, you are not do your own makeup for your wedding. You look like the Crayola people did it– so easy on the warpaint. Between the hair and the makeup you look like Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar”.

New Rule: If you do a money dance or pass a collection plate at the reception, don’t be surprised when one of my baby’s diapers ends up in. Happy Honeymoon!

New Rule: If this is your rehearsal, just elope. And I got $50 on the bridesmaid.

New Rule: Remember when I said certain things would get you jail time if you did them at your wedding. I would like to show you what will get you the death penalty.

The charges are as follows:

• 2 counts of using plastic table cloths on tables
• 1 count of neglect to use proper ceremony seating
• 1 count of obscene and ridiculous use of tulle.
• 2 counts of indecent exposure (where is his tie? and that is NOT a sequined halter top…)
• 1 count of ridiculously wearing a tiara. (You’re 40. That tiara was made for a 5 year old)
• 3 counts of neglect to pick up the trash 1 foot away from the ceremony site.
• 3 count of neglect to frost the wedding cakes and horrible use of aluminum foil.
• 1 capital offense of using columns (automatic death by firing squad)
• 1 count of lewd and lascivious behavior by removing garter with teeth, while cell phone hangs out of the pocket of your shirt while wearing sunglasses and not a ray of sun is outside.
• 1 count of not being able to let it go (It’s eight hours after the wedding and you’re still wearing the halter top and tiara but add a pair of sunglasses. No papparazzi, please.)
• 2 counts of using margarita glasses bigger than your head.
• 1 count of wearing a Santa Claus costume as a wedding dress. And watch, it was probably June.
• 20 counts of using columns, stairs, AND dollar store flowers on your cake that is on top of RED PLASTIC. And THEN you have the AUDACITY to have 22 cakes on that train wreck. (We’re not even going to sentence you. We’re just going to bring the firing squad into the courtroom)

Court is adjourned!