Just when you thought it was safe…She’s back with more rules…
New Rule: Stop picking these bad kids to be in your bridal party. Exactly what color crack were you smoking when you said, “Hey, I think I’ll ask my best friend’s future serial killer 5 year old to be my ring bearer”? He may be cute, but you know sometimes, so are rabid dogs. He yells. He screams. He pushes the flower girl down. He’s GOT A PROBATION OFFICER. So at what point do you say, “Hey! Carry my rings!”? He can’t even follow simple instructions like “Walk slowly”, or “Smile” or “Shut your face or your getting handcuffed to the radiator again”. And why are you surprised when your rings don’t make it up the aisle? He probably hocked them at the pawn shop and got new rims for his Power Wheels Hummer. But hey, at least your pictures will be cute.

New Rule: Needing security when you don’t have any VIPs at your wedding is not cute. Why are you surprised when your fiance’s ex-girlfriend shows up? You sent her a hand couriered invitation! And you didn’t think she’d come alone, did you? She’s brought her crew, and now you, your mother, and the bridal party are taking off your earrings and putting on the Vaseline. Your 90 year old grandmother is in the back shadowboxing. So now, since you were so spiteful, your wedding now looks like the Michael Jackson “Beat It” video, with you and the ex dancing around in circles talking much trash. Or, it looks like this. Oodles of fun.  (Side note, did you see the girl take off her hair and beat the other girl with it? Classic.)

New Rule: You have to be walking for at least a year before you are a flower girl. Ok. I get it. Little eighteen month old Madison is cute. The only problem is that she can’t walk a straight line! She looks like Lindsay Lohan at a field sobriety test. So, for future reference, if they range in age of fetus to two years old, please reconsider.

New Rule: Don’t be surprised if you tell the wedding planner at the initial consultation that you “have no budget”, that she suddenly has “no time”. We’re not impressed by that. Even the richest people have budgets and projected goals. When you say you have no budget, what you really mean is “I have no money, I’m here for the ‘free’ ideas and am going straight to Ray Ray’s Chicken and Weddings after this so he can do my ENTIRE wedding.

New Rule: You have to stop telling people you’ve got a special choreographed dance for your First Dance. You’re doing the Cupid Shuffle and the Electric Slide, not a tango or a bachata. It’s a line dance for Pete’s sake.

New Rule: Please stop with the soft-core porn on the dance floor during the Garter Toss. I had no desire to know or see that you have a “Slippery When Wet” Yield sign on your inner thigh. Get a room!