This year, I have noticed that many of you may be experiencing problems with the most important woman in your guy’s life besides you.  Yes.  His mama.  I can’t imagine how I will feel or act when my sons choose to marry; but gratefully, they will never meet a woman that is perfect enough to meet my standards and endure the rigorous obstacle course and Survivor-like challenges that I am already thinking up for her.  (FYI, my sons are 3 and 1).  

I’m just kidding.  Sorta.  Kinda.  Ok, well, not really.

When I work with couples for such a long time, it really breaks my heart to see the different changes they go through at the hands of the mothers.  Some moms (on both sides, no less)have a little trouble coming to grips with the fact that their little baby will have a new number one person in their life.  Others…for whatever reason, have their own opinions and will stop at nothing to make you and your family complete uncomfortable.  Truth be told, from what I have observed, most mothers really don’t know that they are doing some of the things that are driving you insane.  But there are others that know exactly what they are doing.  I have seen everything from mothers dropping the name and memories of ex-girlfriends at rehearsal dinner or wedding speeches to trying to upstage the bride on her wedding day to refusing to even be photographed with her or stay for the reception. 

It happens.

You usually get a glimpse during the planning period.  While this may give you pause to truly consider if this is a family you want to marry into, you will soon find that your man makes it worthwhile….as long as you only have to talk to “her” once a year.  However, how you choose to handle the little challenges during your planning will preface the relationship you will have with her, and vicariously the rest of his family at the start of your marriage.  This is important because there will be many Thanksgivings, Christmases and dear God, babies(!!) that will follow after your wedding day.  Here are some tips to deal:

1. Be realistic—  Try to see things from her point of view, which will be hard, but it will help you with your plan B in your method of dealing with the madness.  Try to decide if something that she is doing, saying, something, etc. is out of sheer meanness, jealousy or ambivalence.  Then, decide if it is something you can live with her having or doing (for example, she wants his sisters in the bridal party or she wants a huge family portrait of her family done by the photographer after the ceremony) or if it is something that you can compromise with.
2.  Avoid being bratty— We know it’s your wedding day, but it is still a special day for her and her son too.  Try not to pivot all of your objections on the “But it’s my wedding!” argument or fall on your sword too often.  When you compromise, compromise fairly. 
3. Remember, your honey is in the middle—  He is seriously between a rock and hard place, and will get it from all sides if he doesn’t do exactly what either of you want.  However, his mother is his responsibility, and he should be the first person to let her know that her behavior is unacceptable (if it truly is). 
4. Communicate openly, and honestly—  If email is the best way for you to express yourself,
5. SOS— if she, or even you, aren’t dealing with a full deck at the time of a predicament, it’s best that you two not even communicate.  Use an intermediary.  If your fiance isn’t making much leeway, ask your mother for help, if you feel she can be unbiased (or at least give the appearance).  She will be able to argue your case, as well as appeal as another mother.

If all else fails, put her in the “igg box”.  Designate some friends or family play wedding bouncer and keep you away from any drama on the wedding day.  They can instantly scoop you away to “a very pressing matter”.  Enjoy your day– even though it is about the merging of two families, it is also the celebration of the love of two people.  Keep your eyes on the prize and you’ll make it through!

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