It’s New Rule Friday everybody! Let’s see what’s ruining the buttercream this week…

New Rule: Pick a favor someone cares about. No one really wants an itsy bitsy photo frame that doubled as a place card holder. People rarely print out their photos nowadays, let alone print a 1×3 inch photo to put in a frame you got from the dollar store.

New Rule: So not cool: picking a different meal for you and your new husband than that of your guests. Want a surefire way to start a riot? Having surf and turf for the bridal couple and chips and dip for everyone else.

New Rule: If you are going to let your uncle, aunt, or best friend’s mother’s sister’s baby’s father “gift” you with a wedding service like photography, baking the cake, etc., make sure they are a professional at what they are gifting. Having your mechanic uncle take your pictures is like having your lawn guy perform your appendectomy.

New Rule: 10+ people on each side is not a bridal party. It’s a marching band. No one truly wants to sit through a processional of 2.5 billion people before we get to the bride. Also, let’s quit with the R. Kelly “Step in the Name of Love” two-step up the aisle. Your bridal party looks like they’re doing the Cha Cha Slide to the altar. If you want to give them something special to do, let your friends and family be hostesses, ushers, readers or soloists.

New Rule: STOP ruining a good cake with columns and fountains. It’s CAKE — not an ode to ancient Roman architecture. The little Christmas light under the fountain of your cake, the stairs with the gazillion little dolls for the bridal party– what else do I need to say? 1983 called. It wants its wedding cake back. It’s dessert– not a piece of Barbie’s Dream Mansion.

New Rule: Let’s try to pick seasonal colors and flowers for your wedding theme. Lime green in December? No dice. Silver (and only silver) in June?  Blech.  Yeah, we REALLY believe you combed some Amazon forest and found a unique silver rose.  (You should see how hard I’m rolling my eyes right now)  If your flower is out of season, look for another one. Leave the “silk” flowers with the fake rain drops (read: glue drops) right there in the aisle of Dollar General where you found them. No one will ever believe they are real.

I’m a HUGE fan of Bill Maher’s Real Time. I especially love the segment at the end of his show where he does his “New Rules“, a very blunt, albeit hilarious take on random news items. I sat listening to it on my iPod on the way to the airport, and thought– “I should so do a version of ‘New Rules'” for the blog. So each Friday will be “New Rule” Friday.

New Rule: Stop thinking you can invite 300 of your closest family and friends to your wedding on a $10,000 budget. The only place that will fit your budget is the McDonald’s playroom, catered by the redheaded clown himself.

New Rule: Your bridesmaids love you, but had no intention on becoming indentured servants. They really don’t want to do all 248 tasks on your to do list, no matter what the bridal magazines tell you.

New Rule: Stop lying to yourself saying you’re going to lose weight in order to fit into that dress. Wedding planning is stressful. When we get stressed, we eat. Or shop. You’re an 18. The dress is a 6. Don’t starve yourself until you look like a kid from one of the Christian Children’s Relief Fund commercials. the only way you’re going to get into that dress is if you wear it as a garter. Be proud of your curves! Get a dress that fits.

New Rule: Fondant is only good to people with burned off tastebuds. With all the different types of icings and buttercreams (Royal, French, American, Italian, Swiss, etc.), why wrap your cake in Play-Do?

New Rule: Stop telling people you’re having a destination wedding. Your wedding is in the next county. Taking the VFW and throwing on some Jimmy Buffet and putting rented palm trees in the corners is not a destination wedding.

New Rule: She’s not a flower girl if she’s 12. Your little cousin Susie may have been cute when she was 5. But that was like seven years ago. She’s a junior bridesmaid. Plain and simple. If she has a learner’s permit, she’s too old to carry a basket and drop petals.

New Rule: Balloon arches are for proms and car sales, NOT WEDDINGS. How do you equate elegance with expanded helium filled plastic?