I’d like to take a moment to deviate from the normally scheduled wedding awesomeness, and publish an open service proposal for all of those loving medical doctors from England (or wherever)  who would like to plan a wedding in “Anytown, USA” and attempt to scam wedding professionals with their fake requests.  What used to come from large wedding planning sites are now finding their way to your company’s email address or inquiry form.  If you are a bride and looking for some wedding goodness, tune in tomorrow.  If you’re a planner, enjoy, my friend.  Enjoy.

The letters typically start like this….

Hello,

My Name is Dr. David Walter of London, England i need an experienced wedding planner who will handle my wedding and arrange the reception dinner for a group of people who will be attending the wedding ceremony.

The wedding is expected to hold on the 16th of January 2010 and 50 to 70 guests are expected to attend. As i do not know what the guests might choose for their meals and drinks, i will make a prepayment as initial deposit for this booking via credit card once availability is confirmed by you.All checks and balances will be made with you on 3rd of September which is the final day of the booking, You are to arrange for a a venue for the wedding  a place for the reception ,Videography, Music Entertainment,Photography,cake and flowers.

If there is any these items that is beyond your capability, you let us know so that another company can handle it. Get back to me with your response as we don’t have much time with us so that we can process our accommodation within the region more convenient for you and us.

Please get back to me via my personal email which is davidwaltermails@ymail.com

Best Regards,

David Walter

davidwaltermails@ymail.com

And now…my reply….

Dearest Sir,

It is with great enthusiasm, loathing and utter insanity that I write this service proposal.   I indeed was quite exuberant when I received your generic scam , service request about your wedding.  Upon further research through Interpol’s data and checking an FBI’s watch list, I have come to the conclusion that you are not engaged, never have been, and moreover, don’t really know any girls.  Instead, you live in your mother’s basement with her 11 cats…and one litter box.  Nevertheless, for posterity’s sake, I shall play this little game with you in regards to this upcoming wedding for which you have a need for .  Below, I have taken the liberty of drawing up a proposal according to the event vision I believe you and your love would be happy with and deserve.

Venue:

As you can see, this venue while not as spacious as most, is full of personality, character and ambiance.  With the uncut, natural landscaping, feral dogs and cats guarding the rear and front entrances, as well as the snakes, tree frogs and geckos about, we like to consider this as one of the more eco-friendly venues that your bride would look radiant in.  And yes, the urine and beer stains come with the unit.  You lucked out!

Condemned by the City :: Gratis (just be sure to be out if you hear sirens. If the police show up, I don’t know you and we never met)

Photography:

No need to argue over classic or photojournalistic styles.  With this state of the art ESLR (etch and sketch lens reflex),  you are sure to capture all of the endearing moments and elegant details.  More over, if you catch an unfavorable or less than flattering shot—simply shake and it’s gone forever!

$12 :: Available in the romantic black and silver only

Band:

Randy Watson is a world renowned celebrity with the vocal chords of an angel.  His four piece band is talented as well, having been the understudies for the understudies of extras in the hit cable series “The Wire”.  In addition to performing at events, they are also found every Wednesday playing at Shady Pines Retirement Home.

$2 and a biscuit

Videography:

While the ESLR will capture your moments on the silver screen, here is your chance to get those memories in motion.  Capture every tear drop, her laugh, and every drunken fight with our artist pad animation.  Presently, we can only do stick figures, however if you book by the 30th, we will throw in colored pencils at no additional charge.

$5

Caterer:

Nothing says American like Mickey D’s.  Since that is what we believe  is what you and your fiancee or worth this will give you a glimpse in to American fast food, it pretty much works.  With approximately 150 guests and ordering solely off the Dollar Menu, I do believe we can  keep your catering costs under $500. We will throw in the My Little Pony.

$450 + tax and gratuity for the drive thru window attendants

Wedding Cake:

I know. It pretty much leaves us speechless, too.

$20 per short cake :: $460

Wedding Planner:

Of course, in addition to these fabulous vendors, you would also have us available for a good tongue lashing, turning you into the cops and dodging all of your calls advice and creative consults.

$3,000 per 5 minute increment :: Approximately 800 hours

It would be my pleasure to assist you with finding your vendors and venue for her wedding in three days.  I must say, I was quite relieved when I read you would expedite the phony check payment, for as you must know and understand, undertaking such a glorious event in such short time will need some surety.  Additionally when your bogus check in an amount far over the proposed fees because you seek to illegally recoup the excess,  payment arrives, in full disclosure I will admit that I will not be sending you the funds in excess and instead will be vacationing in Capri.  In the event that you feel that I cannot handle the event, I would eagerly refer you to my colleague, Sir Ray Ray of South Centralshire who is the proprietor of Ray Ray’s Chicken and Weddings. He can provide all of the services above, including wedding planner, personally and simultaneously.  His rates begin at 10 easy monthly payments of 19.99.  Feel free to pass this along to your scammer friends other fathers of the brides and grooms in your area,  as I hear you guys hang out in packs.

Of course, while I wish you and your bride the very best and eagerly await your decision on my services, I would also like to take this moment to mention that if it does not work out with you and her, we also offer matchmaking services.  I would gladly match her with any one of the deposed, expatriate Nigerian princes who are seeking to reclaim their inheritance from our database.

Now, please kindly die in a fire.

Wishing you nothing but the best with about 15 years in prison and burly cellmate  tagged on to that,

All the wedding planners of the world who are sick of getting these scams