New Rule Friday
She’s back. And by God, worse than before.
New Rule: Just a quick FYI– if at anytime during your wedding, your DJ or your photographer automagically turns into an event planner, I reserve the full right to do the “This is Sparta” kick…and probably AT your wedding. With absolutely no warning you will see me do this. I mean, really. What is SO hard about coming to a wedding and doing what you are contracted to do? You don’t see me going to McDonald’s and saying, “Yes. I’ll have a Number Four. But Oh wait. Let me be a fry cook for a minute. You see, I’ve eaten fries several times before, so I believe I’m qualified.” You don’t see me coming into the reception with my point and shoot and snapping all those “must-have” shots, or whipping out my trusty iPhone to play some tunes. Has Ray Ray had a convention in the past few weeks?! Is he still selling franchises of Ray Ray’s Chicken, Laundromats and Weddings?
New Rule: Stop telling people to send money for their meal back with their response cards. If you can’t afford your reception, you don’t charge your guests for their meal! You are just asking for the beatdown. It’s like asking for a cover charge at your wedding.
New Rule: Cease and desist with acting like you are doing vendors a favor by pitching the idea of a sponsored wedding. Your wedding is at the VFW, it’s not the Oscars. Seriously, how much exposure will your vendors get? Riiiiiiiiiggghhhhtttt– like toothless Aunt Ellie is going to hire XYZ caterer that sponsored your food. SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TEETH. You’ve got business cards on everything– your tables, your cake, your favors…it looks like Vista Print blew up. Here’s an idea– Why don’t you wear a bridal dress that looks like a NASCAR dress with all your vendors’ logos on them. You know, because you’re a diva. 🙄
New Rule: Stop hating on the women on Platinum Weddings. Why are you catching an attitude every time Platinum Weddings comes on? You have called the bride everything but a child of God and are rolling your eyes every time she says how much something costs. It’s not her fault you’re broke! Leave her alone. Maybe you can write the network and pitch the idea of a show called “Brass Weddings”?
New Rule: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop thinking everyone on my staff, in your bridal party and guest list wants your man. Trust and believe you are the ONLY person that wants him. He has a gap in his teeth so wide you can stick a stack of dimes in them, my four month old has more hair than he does (and more social skills), and he is still wearing leisure suits. Trust me, he’s all yours.